Ketchup-Induced Food Poisoning - Ketchup, New York

New York, United States

My buddy and I had a cookout last weekend (today is Friday and I’m finally well enough to file this report). We made some tasty burgers on the grill - charcoal of course, none of that lame-ass gas grilling here. Anyway, for some reason, probably because of the tequila, I put ketchup on my burger. I should add that the ketchup wasn’t mine because I don’t allow that garbage condiment in my house. My buddy brought it ... and, as I wrote these words, I’m starting to question if he’s really a true friend, after all.

Anywho... so, we grill our burgers and I, like fool, put ketchup on mine. I wanted to seem like a good host and not make my friend feel bad for not using his ketchup. I also put mustard, bacon, onions, lettuce, jalapeño cheese, a schmear of Mayo (not miracle whip because f* that s*t), and a few mushrooms on it, but I always include those. The ketchup was the oddball this time.

About 10 minutes after choking down that ketchup-tainted beef patty, I felt a rumble in my gut and belched a burp that was near near-vomit. I did what I could to keep from puking on the foul taste of ketchup that came up. Soon after, the gas started. It was so bad, the dog was begging to go outside for fresh air. God, it stunk. Like mix of vinegar and semi-fermented corn syrup mixed with rotting tomatoes and s*t. I get like I’d swallowed a cinder block. My mind kept flashing to the ketchup as I let one stinker after the next rip.

I’m not sure when he left, but I the next few hours were a haze. I couldn’t escape the stench and retreated to the bathroom because I knew what was coming. Between the time on the toilet and being curled up on the floor in ball clenching my gut praying for death, the hours passed until the sun came up... on Wednesday.

Dehydrated and with my sphincter in need of medical attention from the ketchup-induced diarrhea, I managed to crawl to the couch and sleep it off for a few days.

I know it was the ketchup. I just know it. The stink of the farts alone was that of stewed corn juice mixed with rotten tomatoes baked a dumpster.

Did ketchup almost kill me?

I think it did because...

KETCHUP IS A GARBAGE CONDIMENT | Symptoms: Nausea, Diarrhea, Vomiting, Gas, Burping